Y ; Monday, February 27, 2006.
我好讨厌我自己！我真得很想杀掉我自己！去死吧陈思璇！这些都是我看回我以前的日记后心里的感受….我真的很恨我自己…我跟嘉媚说我对他好像又有感觉了…她说应该只是假象…大家朋友就好了…我不知道…我好乱…好无助…我甚至内疚到流眼泪…我很想对他说对不起…但是有用吗…我真得有点原谅不到我自己…我也没脸再去问他能不能在回一起…一切都是我一手造成的…我真得觉得我一点女生的矜持都没用…我真的超cheap的…超贱格的…超没用的…后悔内疚…还有心痛…今天是你的生日…我鼓起勇气跑去你前面坐着…试着跟你聊天…但我们讲话都不超过十句话…而且我坐在你前面你也一脸尴尬和不自在的感觉…或许我真得不应该再打扰你了…我已经伤到你够深了…我真的有想过跟你说我对你的感觉…但想想下…都是不要了…开始又是我要的…分手也是我开口的…做错事情的也是我…我真的还有什么资格要求他原谅我…要求他再次和我一起…我连自己都不爱…怎样爱别人…
Y ; Friday, February 24, 2006.
To sheen:
i understand how u feel..i used to look back to wut i've done in d past...i felt stoopid everytime i did dat...>.<
sheen...there's no nid 2 cry anymore...wut has pass...has passed...no point thinking bout it when u can't do anyting about it anymore...juz leave it to time..it will do its job...wash away memories....and u guyz would be fine someday....i'm not sayin dat u and fui can't turn back d time and start all over again...but....urgh.....u can..but mayb i can't...wuts with me....wuts wif me and my stoopid policy...i dunno...i'm so SO tempted to msg him in the hopes dat we could start all over again and hav fun like how we used to...BUT!....but...i dunno y everytime i pick up my fone....i dun feel like doing it anymore....i felt like there's this big gap btween us now...and i would feel VERY awkward...pluz...i dunno when he's telling d truth...and when he's not...i felt so unsecure right now...i noe he realli care about me even tho i'm treating him dat way right now...but he still took d effort to ask bridget how am i...*well...he nearly did...>_>*
mhm..anyways...i noe everything is over now...altho i've cried several times b4...but i noe...life goes on....cant waste time on someone dats not worth it...right?...
oops...its time 4 physics...>_>....d subject dat i HATE d most....ciaox!...*untill my connection returns*....x.X
LOTS OF LURVE!!
-ChienzZ-
=P!
Y ; .
零六年二月二十三日(星期四)
我哭了…我刚刚看回以前的日记…真的觉得陈思璇…你怎么可以做出酱子的东东？！看回以前的日记…我的心真的超酸超痛的…还有..超内疚..我怎么可以伤一个酱爱我的人伤到酱深呢…当初若我没告诉他S的事情…他应该没酱伤吧…刚才在msn我主动和他谈天…我问他..我们还是朋友hor…他没回答..他只是回答…你要这样吗…我再问他…有没有恨我…他说…恨与不恨已经不重要了…我就问他..那重要的是什么…他说不知道…家人？朋友？考试？不久后..他就说他知道了…是快乐…看到这个答案后..真的觉得他说得没错…我们就只是谈到这里…本来我还想问他是否还喜欢我..但我不敢…我已经伤他伤到酱够深了…若我再问..就好像…就好像是明知故问的感觉吧…唉…不知道啦…我真的是个怪人…有时我的脑袋会想给他一次机会，给自己多一次机会…让我们从头开始…因为我真的觉得他是很爱我的(这是之前的事..不知现在还有没有)…都是叫自己别想那么多了…真的很想回到以前form2的时候…那时候真的好爽…我们四个真的天天都粘在一起…好怀念哦…想问你们…要看回我以前在电脑写的日记吗…还蛮多的哦…好吧..就此停笔..祝大家考试顺利！
Y ; .
Sigh. Another bad day. Its started out as a fine day though, but needless to say, it started to suck when I got to school. I got caught because my fingernails were a tad bit long, so what the heck, I asked if I could cut it at home as I didn't want my nails to be touched by those nail clippers which had been EVERYWHERE. Apparently, what they don't tell you is, they would check your fingernails the next day, after you cut it at school. What the hell! My precious nails touched those horribly cheap and dirty nail clippers and you say that you are going to check them the next day as well?! I was fuming by the time I reached class. My nails were ruined. I know they weren't perfect to start with, STILL, they looked okay pre-cutting using that idiotic nail clipper. My nails look as if I had been chewing on it! Damn those idiotic prefects.
Ugh, enough about the nail issue. During add math, we have been trying to find out who was chao's new target and he wouldn't tell us. We kept asking and this continued till school ended. I was the last one to ask him and was feeling a tad bit playful. So I took his bag and said, If you don't tell me, your bag is mine. He said, take it. Then he walked away! I was talking to Gin Min when he left so I didn't know where he went. So I went around the whole bloody school trying to find him. After 15 minutes, I really had to go. Chien was waiting for me in the car. So I left the bag in class and told one of the Form 2's to watch it for me till he comes and collects it. I met Zheng Wei and Bridget on the way out and asked if they say chao. They pointed him out for me. He was walking INTO the school when zhuan zhuan. By that time I was so freaking pissed that I didn't want to talk to him. I was bloody all over the school trying to find him and he was just walking into the bloody school just then?! Bloody piece of SHIT! As I turned to leave, he shouted SO rude and SO loudly, 'play enough already/not! Where's my bag?!' Believe me, I was half tempted to walk to him and give him a few slaps on the face and maybe a punch or two. Or maybe say what was going on in my mind.."Where the fuck where you when I was fucking looking for you in the fucking school and you let me fucking see you walk back from the fucking road into the fucking school..."bla bla bla..you know, with all the eff-ing involved. If I wasn't the kind of person who doesn't like fights, I would have done that. Instead, I shouted back a response and left. Now, I don't even want to speak with him.
Ugh, bad day for everyone I guess. Chien, you feeling alright? You seemed so down but I was in no mood to ask you when we were on the car.*previous incident* Sheen, don't feel bad. Everyone makes mistakes, you just hang in there and learn from what you've done wrong okay?If I was to feel bad about breaking up with him, I would have a ton of reasons. Example, having a tad bit of feelings for mun cheng. Chuinz! Where are you!?
Feeling down and way depressed,
- S t e p h -
Y ; Tuesday, February 21, 2006.
First of all, Sheen, you're not a bitch. You of all people don't have the right to say that. You are one of the nicest and kindest girl I have ever known. I dare say that you wouldn't hurt a fly. Good job with the blog Chienz. I'll have to learn how to do these stuff soon.
Sigh. I'm so dissapointed in myself. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get myself to study. God knows how I'm gonna do in the exams this time round. Everytime I look at the book, I'll either fall asleep*Example: yesterday.*, or just run off and do some other things. I'm so dead. I'm totally devoid of the need to study. Can someone just punch me and wake me up? Ugh.
Chuinz, you're probaby in the plane by now. Having lunch. "I want airplane food!!!>.<..I LOVE LOVE LOVE airplane food. Weird. I know." All I want to say is, take care and don't fool around and get pregnant! Nyahahahahahahaha~~ Just joking, you're way too responsible to be doing that. =p, but for goodness sake, have some fun in your life. Naughty ones. *Wink* I won't tell you to drink more water, eat more blah blah blah because I don't want to sound like your mum. Just want you to always remember us. I think I'm going to get the pics from Chienz and develop them. Tell me if you want them, I'll post them to you via snail mail. Hope to see your post soon.
Chienz, I know how you feel. I hate it when he does that to me. I think he's toying with me. He knows I have feelings for him and he keeps leading me on. He would be so affectionate one day and would ignore me completely the other day and I hate him for that. If I could, I would give him a tight slap for doing this to you, maybe several. But seeing that I don't know his address, maybe next time. For now, just try not to let him distract you and get on with life. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to pay less attention to my phone and leaving it in my room whenever I go downstairs or something so I won't obssess over the fact that he never messages me. I wish I could help more, but for now my brain's mashed and my ex-boyfriend is thinking that there's a chance that we could get back together *when there's totally no chance of that* and I don't know how to tell him that its not happening. I try to distance myself from him but I couldn't help myself but to console him after reading his last post. It was so sad. This is just so me. After getting myself out of that hole, I put one foot in it again. The other foot is not going in I tell you. Its NOT!
Sigh, I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some food. XD!
Stretching sideways if I keep gorging on food,
- S t e p h -
Y ; Monday, February 20, 2006.
its been 14 hours since he msg-ed mi...and here i am...still thinking whether i shud reply him...or ignore him 4ever?...i'm SO helpless right now...stuck..constipated...depressed...disappointed...dunno wut i shud do bout this...
y could he juz ignore bout wut he found out yesterday..and acted like NOTHING has ever happened?!
he found out bout my true feelings....bout ALL the conflicts dat i've been dealing all along..things dat i would consider as my deepest secrets...dat no other ppl except 4 u guyz to noe...4 goodness's sake!! urgh...
y could he say that "tml is a brand new day....4get bout it*...EEK!...things might be easy 4 him...but y he doesn't understand wut situation i'm in right now? 4get it...he didn even try 2 understand..
why he could say those sweet things when he dun even mean it in d first place?
why say those things 2 create more confusions....
why say those stuff when he himself understands dat he loves her...and only her...
it hurts whenever he talked bout her...
it hurts whenever he did not reply 4 few hours 4 no reason...
it hurts to realise that he didn even care bout my feelings when he claims that he do...
wth?!
guyz...tell mi wut i shud do....
tears are falling...
hearts are breaking...
troubles are doubling...
and the worst thing is...
u're leaving...
omg...steph...u made mi cry ler...
first the main page...then...wut u've posted...
i reali reali hav to thank u guyz...4 being there 4 mi in my coldest days....oways ready to guide me through it all...no matter how bz u are...how stressed up u are wif ur own life...u guyz could push it ALL away...juz to talk to me...juz to make me feel better...my god...no word could express how grateful i am to hav u guyz as my fwen...we've been through A LOT...and here we are....its been 4 yrs...4 yrz of fwenship...4yrz of sweet and sour memories...
chuin...altho we've made a big mistake in d past...but i hope from dat...we'll learn not 2 repeat d mistake again...life at australia could be great...blondes...hot guyz...*tits...butts..x.X!!* but could u rmb those times when we sat at dewan kuliah...with lights off...and sing our fav songs? could u rmb how we used to laugh and humiliate each other...bout those stoopid and crazy stuffs dat we did?
friends...its all about togetherness...i reali hope dat we'll stay like this...*besties*...till i leave dis world...i love u guyz...
very much o!!...=P
Lots of LuV,
-Chienz-
Y ; .
第一次写blog...感觉怪怪的....因为只有我一个用华语写而已...全部人都是用英语写的....好自卑哦=(..君...你明天就要走了...舍不得你eh....去到那儿要好好照顾自己...我们会很想你的哦！我们全部人都恢复单身了...我现在真的没有喜欢的人...也没有那种很想快快找多另一个男友的感觉...现在真的觉得单身..还蛮不错的嘛...我真得很开心我能放掉S...之前我真的是有喜欢他...可能是因为我们没见面也没说话也没再联络了...所以我成功的..彻底的忘记他了...哈哈...超开心！忘记了他等于忘记了很多不开心的事情...讲回fui..自从分手后...我们真的没说过话了...我很想我们能变回朋友咯...分了后依然是朋友嘛...但他总是面都不敢面对我..我只是记得有一次他给过我糖果而已...那次我真得蛮开心的...因为我还以为他当回我是朋友了..敢跟我说回话了...怎知..哎..算了吧...是我做错..是我贱格...是我伤到别人酱深的...就好像念颖所说的...bitch...刚才念颖叫我好开始读书了...我并没有觉得啰嗦和讨厌的感觉...如果是爸妈叫的话...我一定觉得超反感的...但刚才念颖说的我感觉到的是朋友的关怀...谢谢你们一路的陪伴和关心..还有支持...我爱你们！友谊万岁！
Y ; .
Did I make the wrong decision? Here I am, 2 am in the morning. Unable to sleep. All I can think about is him. I've re-read his blog for god knows how many times now. I felt so guilty that I had hurt him so. I feel like such a bitch.
Life is such a bitch.
Love is such a bitch.
Education is even more of a bitch.
And guess what,
I'm the worst bitch ever.
I know that when I make a decision, I can never take it back. I have chosen this path and now I must brave upon it alone. No one can help me. Not even you guys, no matter how much you want to extend a helping hand. I have to go through this alone. Don't worry. I know that you guys will always be there for me when I need someone to talk to.
Talked to mun cheng just now. He seemed distant. He asked me if I missed him. To my complete surprise. I said yes. How dumb can I be? Stephanie Lim, wake up. You can and will never mean a thing to him. Stop doing this to yourself.
___________________________________________________________________
On a completely different matter.
Today was really fun. Its been a long time since we had so much fun together. I can't remember the last time I've seen Chuinz laugh so much. It was nice and it made me forget about my problems for a while. Whenever I think about the fact that you're not gonna be here with us, Chuin, I get all teary-eyed. Call me emotional or whatever. I'm starting to miss you even when you're not even gone. I'm so sorry that I can't make it to the sleepover and to see you off. I AM going to skip school on that day though, so I can wake up extra early and call you on your cell.
Please don't forget about us when you get there. No matter how many new and cool
friends you meet over there, gorgeous and blonde, please remember that there's still 3 crazy girls over here waiting for you. We'll be here waiting to see you when you come home. Hopefully, I can drive by then. And god forbid, get into a lot of accidents. Lastly, I know I've been saying this really often, but I really mean it when I do say it. I love you guys, all three of you.
You guys have been angels in my life, being there when I needed a hug, needed someone to talk to, to laugh with/to, to sing with, to cry with, to horse around with, and *not tested yet* prance around naked with. This proves that whatever that comes into my life, this friendship, I will treasure far more than any other ones I have. Because you guys made me, me. You guys, are my life. I thank you all for being the key persons in my life, regardless of all the indifferences
we've had. I still am so grateful for you people.
Oh shucks, I need to stop. I'm crying pathetically. Why? I don't know. I miss you, Chuinz, Chienz, Sheen.
I hope time passes slowly tomorrow. Last glimpse of you till the year end.
Crying my heart out at 2 am in the morning,
- S t e p h -
Y ; Saturday, February 18, 2006.
To steph:
omg..i can't blieve he *wee neng* wrote that...THAT!...the WHOLE thing...x.X...nvr noe he could be so sweet...and if he's telling the truth...he changed a lot bcoz of u...dats true love alright...but...urgh...considering other stuffs dat u've told me...i think u've made a right decision...and u've come this far...i hope u're not regretting it...>.<... PS: u guyz shud go hav a look...
To chuinz:
take care...life in australia would be fun...but wif the new environment..new fwens...studies...*owh...mayb guyz..=P* i'll pray hard dat u'll get used to it...rmb we'll oways be here 4 ya even tho we're separated thousands of kilometers away...*i hv no idea how many times i've repeated dis line..x.X*...heehee...besties 4eva!!..^^
mhm...there's SO much going on lately...especially in this month...its juz 2 weeks...and omg! i can't blieve so much could happen in juz a fortnight....i dunno if i could cope wif all of them...i'm so stressed out wif studies already...pluz...i'm always lazy...and teachers giving homeworks as if they're shitting everyday...and there dis guy comes....great! =)...and yan chuin's going off 2 australia all of a sudden...>.<...and i'll hv 2 experience dis byebye thing..T.T...*etc etc ETC*
urgh...i juz hope all of this could end...and i'll juz hav a carefree life...x.X
Lots oF Luv~!
-Chienz-
Y ; .
Boo-yah!I'm here!!!!=D...surprise surprise!=)..Connection is back on, for now. XD!
To Chuinzz:
Yehh mad piggehh!!LOL...thanks for accompanying me yesterday night. I think without you, I would have cried myself to sleep. =)..You're still the best best best best bestie to me ever! Can't wait to get together tomorrow. You know what, I want to take alot alot of pictures with you! =p
To Chienz:
Don't care about that bastard. I didn't tell mun cheng that I broke up with him yesterday and I'm not planning to do so. He said that he'd call me yesterday night but he didn't. Not surprised there. Anyways, guys, to me for now aren't that important. I know that in the future, I'll find some other guy who is meant for me and for now, I want to be a nun!XD!Kidding lar. =.=. Can you imagnine me, bald and a vegetarian? =.= That is a nightmare. I meant the no-meat part. The bald part I can stand..LOL. Guys, are just, another trivial issue in my life now.
I just took a look at his blog. If you want to go see it, the url is www.ngweeneng.blogspot.com. I have no idea that I hurt him that much. Tears started to fall out again when I read the first few lines. Oh and that kept going on, I can assure you. I never wanted to hurt anyone that bad but I really don't see any other way for us to co-exist together. Since I had the 'I-need-to-puke' reaction when he talked about kissing me, I started to contemplate whether I should end things. That was like a few months ago. Sigh, I wish I could tell him outright that 'I'm sorry but I just don't love you anymore' without him trying to hold me back and make me feel guilty but I guess thats not possible.
I hope that he has a good life without me and for goodness sake, have more confidence!Sheesh.
P.S. Excellent work ChienzZ!
P.P.S. Just a suggestion. What do you guys think about changing the blogskin once in 3 months? We could take turns to do it. =)
Return of the NY!Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Lots of hugs and kisses!
- S t e p h -
Y ; Thursday, February 16, 2006.
i juz wan to thank u all for creating this blog...
thank you thank you thank you!!!! especially to chienz.. its a reli wonderful blog..(although there's nuthin here yet..)
forgive and forget, chienzz.. there is nuthin to say sorry to between besties..
i hope we can continue to become four happy best frens.. i hope that all of us will remember that we hav each other no matter wat happens.. cus no secrets between us rite?
my dad juz called from aussie.. he enrolled me into Taylor's College liao..
still don noe when i'm going though..
i felt reli sad that i hav to leave u guys.. T.T.. crying like a mad pig now..
Haizz... i'll come back as soon as possible.. and u guys hav to visit me there sometimes too ok??
-chuinz-
Y ; Wednesday, February 15, 2006.
i think i'm starting to hate u now..
u've made mi so so confused..
yesterday u told mi dat u'll owayz be here 4 mi whenever i needed u..
and u seldom treat a gurl so good...
and from our text messages... we don't sound like fwens...we're more than fwens...
but 2day..u're telling me dat u're feeling so SO bad coz u failed to date her..
and now!
u're asking me 2 be ur sms-date...
WTH is dis?!?
taking mi as a substitute?
guess i was right all along...
u !!
are a guy who juz take me as another cheap gurl..
u !!
are a guy whoz juz too lonely ...
u !!
are a guy whoz juz desperate 4 someone to be with u when u can't hav her by ur side...
my feelings 4 u are true...
i've spent so many time 2 figure dat out...
been trying so hard 2 deny it in the past few months...
been trying 2 persuade myself dat no love would happen btween us...
and i've...
spent so many effort and took so much courage out of mi 2 get everything clear..
but guess wut u gave me in return?
more confusions..more depressions..and more disappointments...
why things juz can't happen the way dat i want it to?
why i could be so SO moody over some stoopid things about him?
why i juz can't get him off my mind?!
why i could cry 4 him...when he's not worth it?!
everything is SO frustrating...
and i juz hope dat someone could take it all away..
i dun think i belong here...
nothing seems to be right...
-Chienz-
Y ; .
created this blog of ours....juz hope dat dis fwenship of ours...could last till the end...
no matter wut happens...juz rmb i'll be here 4 ya...
sry 4 everything dat i've done in d past...especially 2 chuinz...
sry 4 wut i've said and done....and i hope we could juz rub it all off...
and only rmb d good times dat we've had 2gether...
singing in dewan kuliah...d mysterious atmosphere and all...x.X!...urgh..
i juz miss it so much...T.T
*PSST!!*dis is our secret place...no one can noe bout dis webbie...deal?...*winks*...
-Chienz-